My Completely Unreasonable Rules For Life

Generosity, good manners, and why you should never ask guests to remove their shoes

I realised recently that I have a rather ridiculous number of rules about life.

I’m not talking about serious moral principles. Those are important, of course. I mean the smaller, far less consequential rules I seem to have accumulated over the years about how life should be lived. The things that make someone considered, interesting and perhaps even a little bit chic.

The funny thing is, nobody ever sat me down and taught me most of these rules. Some undoubtedly came from my mother, others from bits of wise counsel I’ve picked up along the way, but many are simply conclusions I’ve reached after 36 years of trial and error. I’ve watched how other people live, noticed what I liked, noticed what I absolutely did not, and somewhere along the way decided that life was simply better done a certain way.

And I think we all do this, whether we realise it or not.

You discover it most quickly when you go on holiday with a friend. It’s always a test. You can adore someone, have known them for years and believe there are no surprises left, until suddenly you’re sharing a bathroom for five days and discover that the way a person squeezes the toothpaste or disposes of a used tea bag is apparently VERY important to you.

I find these little quirks fascinating. They’re inconsequential, slightly ridiculous and completely personal, but they reveal so much about us. We all have our own peculiar ways of moving through the world, and I love discovering what other people’s are.

Now, am I remotely qualified to tell you how to live your life? Absolutely not.

Am I about to spend an entire article doing exactly that? Absolutely yes.

These are not commandments. They are not rules of etiquette, nor are they instructions for becoming a better person. You are entirely free to ignore every single one of them.

These are my completely unreasonable rules for life. The last one will definitely divide opinion..

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1. Never turn on the big light

I’m starting with this because, frankly, I feel rather strongly about it.

There is almost never a good reason to have the main overhead light on. Lamps exist. Candles exist. Wall lights exist. All of them will make you, your home and everyone sitting in it look infinitely better.

Nothing kills the atmosphere of a dinner or party faster than someone suddenly deciding we need to “see properly” and flooding the room with the lighting of a hospital waiting room.

The big light has its uses. Looking for a lost contact lens, perhaps. Cleaning. Emergencies.

Otherwise, turn it off.

2. Never arrive at someone’s home empty-handed

It doesn’t need to be grand or expensive. A bunch of flowers, a bottle of wine, chocolates, something delicious you spotted at the bakery on the way over. Just something.

Someone has invited you into their home, probably cleaned the loo before you arrived and, if you’re lucky, cooked for you. Turning up with a little offering is such an easy way of saying, “Thank you for having me.”

I always assumed everyone did this, although I’m beginning to realise that perhaps they don’t.

They should.

3. If you think something nice about someone, tell them

I’m amazed by how often we think lovely things about people and never actually say them.

You notice that someone looks particularly good. You admire the way they handled a difficult situation. You think they’re brilliant at their job. You’re proud of them. You love being around them.

Tell them.

A sincere compliment costs absolutely nothing, and you never know how much somebody might need to hear it that day. I don’t mean flattery for the sake of it. People can usually smell that a mile away. I mean those little positive thoughts that pop into your head naturally.

If it’s kind, and it’s true, say it.

4. Pay the bill

I always make an effort to pay my way.

Coffee with a friend? Get the coffees. Lunch? Pick up the bill. Drinks? Get the first round. Of course, I don’t mean you should bankrupt yourself in the pursuit of generosity, but if you can afford to treat someone, I think you should.

There is something so lovely about saying, “I’ve got this,” and meaning it. It’s a tiny way of making somebody feel special, and I would much rather be known as the friend who is generous than the one who suddenly needs to use the bathroom when the bill arrives.

Chances are, they’ll get the next one. And if they don’t? No biggy.

That’s the important part. Generosity stops being generosity the moment you start keeping a tally. If I buy you lunch, I won’t be spending the next three months secretly waiting for you to return the £24.50 favour.

Treat your friends when you can. Buy the coffee. Order the extra bottle for the table. Surprise someone with lunch.

There are worse things in life than being known for picking up the bill.

5. Always make an effort for dinner

I don’t mean dressing for dinner every night or laying a table worthy of Downton Abbey.

I mean making some distinction between eating and simply consuming food.

Put it on a proper plate. Sit down. Put your phone away. Light a candle if you fancy it. If you’ve cooked something wonderful, take five minutes to enjoy the fact that you did.

This applies when you’re alone, too. In fact, perhaps especially when you’re alone.

Not every meal needs ceremony. Sometimes dinner really is something eaten quickly because you’re exhausted and have somewhere to be. But whenever possible, I think the end of the day deserves a little punctuation.

6. Never comment on how much someone is eating

Too much, too little, seconds, no dessert, two desserts. Unless somebody is actively stealing food from your plate, leave them alone.

There are few things more irritating than somebody monitoring what everyone else is eating.

“Oh, is that all you’re having?”

“Yes. As you can see, it is.”

People have complicated relationships with food, bodies and appetite, and you rarely know the full story. More importantly, it’s simply none of your business.

Enjoy your own dinner.

7. Always introduce people properly

If you’re standing with two people who don’t know each other, introduce them.

And don’t just give them two names and leave them to fend for themselves. Give them something useful.

“This is Anna, we worked together years ago and she’s just moved back from New York.”

Suddenly the other person has somewhere to go. New York! Work! Moving home! Anything is better than two strangers smiling politely at each other while you disappear to refill your drink.

Making people feel comfortable around each other is one of those tiny social skills that costs you nothing and makes an enormous difference.

8. Never apologise for being overdressed

I would always rather be overdressed than underdressed.

If you arrive somewhere and everyone else is wearing jeans while you’ve made an effort, do not immediately start apologising for yourself.

“Oh God, I’m so overdressed!”

No. You got dressed. You look great. Carry on.

There is something rather sad about the idea that making an effort should be embarrassing. Wear the jacket. Put on the jewellery. Wear the shoes that are probably slightly inappropriate for the occasion.

Worst-case scenario: you’re the best-dressed person in the room.

I can live with that.

9. If someone cooks for you, offer to wash up

This is very simple.

They cooked. You wash up.

Now, they may insist that you sit down. They may have a dishwasher. They may physically remove the tea towel from your hand and tell you to stop being ridiculous.

Excellent.

You have fulfilled your obligation.

The important thing is that you offered.

10. Never make someone feel stupid for being enthusiastic

I love enthusiastic people.

I don’t particularly care what they’re enthusiastic about. Trains, tulips, Taylor Swift, Georgian silver, football, a new restaurant, an obscure period of French history. Tell me everything.

There is something incredibly attractive about watching somebody light up when they talk about something they genuinely love.

What I find far less attractive is the person who rolls their eyes at them for caring too much.

Being interested in things is wonderful. Being excited is wonderful. We spend enough of adulthood pretending not to care.

If somebody trusts you enough to show you their enthusiasm, don’t make them regret it.

11. Always have something in the house you could offer an unexpected guest

Tea. Coffee. Biscuits. A bottle of something cold. It doesn’t need to be elaborate.

I simply cannot bear the idea of somebody coming into my home and sitting there empty-handed while I explain that I haven’t been shopping.

Offering someone something when they walk through your door is one of the oldest and simplest acts of hospitality.

And if they say no, ask them again.

Obviously.

12. Never save the good things for “best”

Burn the expensive candle. Use the good china. Wear the beautiful coat. Spray the perfume. Open the bottle.

I’ve never understood keeping beautiful things locked away for some imaginary future occasion deemed important enough to deserve them.

The occasion is that you own them.

Of course, I’m not suggesting you open the Veuve Clicquot because you’ve ordered a pizza on a Tuesday night. Champagne and sweet chilli sauce, anyone? A little restraint is still allowed. But things are there to be enjoyed.

There is something far sadder to me about a beautiful object spending its entire existence untouched in a cupboard than it eventually becoming worn, chipped or finished because somebody loved using it.

13. Always look after the person who knows the fewest people

This is one I really do believe in.

At a party, dinner, wedding, or work event, there is always someone who knows fewer people than everyone else. You can usually spot them. They’re standing slightly outside the circle, pretending to be extremely interested in their phone or taking a suspiciously long time to examine the drinks table.

Bring them in.

Introduce them to someone. Ask them a question. Give them somewhere to stand.

We’ve all been that person at some point, and we all remember the enormous relief when somebody made an effort to include us.

Making someone feel that they belong is always chic.

14. Never underestimate the power of getting dressed

There are days when I wake up feeling uninspired, tired or generally fed up with everything. Staying in pyjamas rarely improves the situation.

A shower, clean clothes, doing my hair and putting on a fragrance I love doesn’t magically solve whatever is wrong. But it does make me feel more prepared to deal with it.

Clothes have always had an extraordinary effect on my mood. I think there’s something powerful about making an effort for yourself even when nobody else is going to see it.

If the day is determined to be difficult, I would at least like to face it looking presentable.

15. Never make people take off their shoes

When I’m invited to a house party, I like to make a little effort. To me, that effort is a compliment to the host. You’ve invited me into your home, you’re giving up your time and probably gone to considerable effort yourself, so the least I can do is turn up looking as though the occasion matters to me.

And we all know that shoes can make or break a look.

How disappointing, then, to arrive only to discover a pile of shoes by the front door and a room full of grown adults standing around barefoot. Or worse, in sad little socks.

It’s particularly tragic when you see a beautiful woman who has clearly made an enormous effort, wearing a phenomenal dress, only to find her heels abandoned in the hallway while she pads around the party in her tights.

Are your floors really so precious?

I have never once in my life asked a guest to remove their shoes. I’ve had big parties. I’ve had parties that went on considerably later than planned and became considerably wilder than planned. Not once has somebody wearing their shoes caused such a catastrophe that I remember it now. And if they did damage something, I can only assume the party was good enough to make it worthwhile.

I know what some of you are thinking: hygiene!

To which I say, live a little.

Clean the floor tomorrow. Let your guests keep their shoes on.

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And there we have it. Fifteen completely unreasonable rules that I have somehow decided make life just that little bit better.

Do I expect you to agree with all of them? Absolutely not. In fact, I rather hope you don’t. Half the fun of these little rules is that they are completely personal to us. What seems like basic common sense to me might seem utterly ridiculous to you, and I’m sure you have a few of your own that would leave me equally baffled.

Perhaps that’s what I love about them. They’re tiny glimpses into how we each like to move through the world. Mostly inconsequential, occasionally irrational, but very much our own.

So now I want to hear yours. What is your completely unreasonable rule for life? The stranger and more specific, the better. Tell me in the comments. I have a feeling I might be stealing a few of them.

And please, whatever you do, turn off that bloody big light.

Nicolas x